Why hip-hop sucks in 96?

When I look back, it feels as if it happened a million years ago. But everything is relative, even the fact that everything is relative. 'A million years ago' was last year, or the year before, I was in the 12th grade then, so it means it was 2002 or 2003... it wasn't too hot, nor too cold, so it's either the end of autumn, or the beginning of spring. I'll stick to the beginning of spring, and randomly pick Mar 12, Wed - so now I 'know' when it all started. To be honest, my choice is not that random. But it makes no difference now.
My friend and me went to check out a university, we were close to graduating the hi-skool, so we initiated this uni-research, in order to be able to decide which uni to apply to.
...
I entered the classroom where all the guests where supposed to be, there were several girls sitting in the first desks, including the target. At the moment she was just one of many, a random person in the street. She looked pretty good, and had a backpack with all sorts of rockband names written on it. That's not an unusual thing to see, but unlike all the cases, the labels weren't 'britney' and 'nsync'.. in fact, I liked most of the bands mentioned on her backpack. As usual, I tried to listen to their conversation, but I didn't get a single word of what they were saying, maybe I was too far, or maybe they spoke to fast... as I was saying, the guests were gathered in a class, where some psychoteacher would give us a test that will help us decide which job to chose. The test was lame, I knew its result from the very beginning, but I still thought it was worth giving a try. What if I found out that I'm good at drawing paintings for blind children? or something like that... while I was marking my answers, I looked at the girl from time to time, but there was nothing to be seen from my location, but her long light brown hair.
Her 'result' was close to mine, we [the pupils] did some statistics during the break, and initiated a small group-conversation. Since our results were a close match, she said "hm, maybe we'll be studying together". I smiled to her in reply, there wasn't much I could say.
When we left the uni, I thought of waiting for her and maybe start a conversation, but for some reason, I didn't do that. Me and my friend went to a nearby hi-skool to buy some books. To my surprise, when we got there, she was there as well, along with a friend of hers. An eye contact was established, as far as I remember, she smiled, but it happened 'a million years ago', so I ain't sure. Hmmm, maybe it was a sign, after all I did bump into her at random, twice. But random things are random, :-) so maybe something was in the middle of it? I halted for a while, thinking of an excuse to approach them, but they entered the school, and I had books to buy, so I didn't do\say anything. After getting the stuff I thought of waiting for her at the entrance. I mean, if they got in, they will surely get out at a certain moment ;-) but I didn't do that either, as me and M. (my friend) were in a hurry. We left, and it turned out that she really was just a random person in the street.
...

Yep, I graduated the hi-skool, and went to the uni of my dreams (no, not the one mentioned in the previous part). After several months of 'studentship' (man, what a word) I heard of an exchange project, and decided to go for it. I needed some uni-related info for my application, I went to the secretary to see what was up, as I entered the room, I saw something I've seen before - a backpack with all sorts of rockband names on it :-) "wow! Is it her?", believe it or not, but she went there for the exact same purpose - info for the application.
As we got out, we discussed the program, exchanged emails, I also asked her about that 'million years ago visit to the uni', and it seemed that she did remember me. (hah, I ain't THAT ugly after all) :-) We went home with the same trolley, she got off before me, but while we were still together, we fooled around. My uni-friend, A., was with me - and when the two of us are together - nothing can stop us. So we laughed and had fun, we were focused on our latest 'invention' epure vs. iepure and what happens to the two when they move at the speed of light. (jeez, is that stupid or what???) she was smiling (maybe because she liked the idea, or maybe because we looked stupid). It was then when I got the chance to see her face better, the color of her eyes... To tell you the truth, I cant say exactly what it is. Either green, or light blue, or a mix of the two... maybe some green, I dunno, but it's definitely not the color of my eyes :-) oh, and it was then when she id'd herself, her name 's D. oh, and speaking of names, mine is S, or A, sometimes G... the pass says A, people say S, I say G. D is sometimes used as a short version of G. and G has two different meanings, to know the difference, I use g and G, but not many people get the idea. Depending on the circumstances, I make up a new name, so its pretty difficult to say whether it's me or not unless you actually see me. ;-) To you - the reader, the above sentence seems to be a chaotic set of characters. But that doesn't matter, just remember that she's D and the friend is A and me is 'me' :-)
As she got off the trolley, me and A switched the topic, at the same time I had a small inner debate and reviewed some of my ideas concerning randomizers, randomness, and random things in general.
...
Since then we started emailing each other, not a big deal, just an update of the latest developments, we got to know each other better. And after those emails I sort of got the right to say 'hello' whenever I met her in the halls of the uni. We met pretty often, and each time we stopped for a while and talked about this and that, even if we were late for something or in a hurry. I remember one day, I was goin' upstairs, she was goin' downstairs, I spotted her in the middle of the crowd, and I was about to stop when we got closer, but she didn't notice me. For some reason, I didn't stop and went forward, and in a few moments I heard a "hi" from her, "aaarghh!", I was too far to turn back, and the traffic was too dense, so I couldn't go back. Man, at that moment I felt like crap, I did see her, I did mean to greet her... From her shoes it probably looked like "oh what an asshole, doesn't even see me". Yep, I think it was a major screwup. And I thought of this event a lot, and pretty often, but it wouldn't change things of course...
The interesting thing is that somehow I sort of felt that she liked me. Don't ask how and don't ask why, coz I 've no idea. I guess this conclusion is based on the fact that she never refused to stop for a chat in the halls, and was always friendly and smiling and charming. There should be something else, because there are plenty of people who are 'friendly and smiling' - yet I don't come to the same conclusion. Unfortunately I don't know what that 'something' was.

I was always glad to read her emails, even though they're always short... at least shorter than mine... I used to open my archive and re-read the stuff from time to time... once I wrote her I had a dream which included her, I don't remember the story, but she gave me two tickets, and it happened in front of "Flacara" - a nearby cinema. Her reply was "I hope it wasn't a nightmare"... heh, if only she knew how wrong she was...
...

Whenever I'm on the move, or idle, I do 2 things: music + meditation, nothing can change that. As time passed by, I saw that many of my meditations where people-related, to be exact: D-related. That's normal, I think of people really often, but this time something changed, because these thoughts came to me even when I was supposed to be thinking of something else... for instance - a math test, a function of a program, or the decision to cross the street when there are lots of cars speeding on it. However, I didn't pay THAT much attention to it, it happened to me in the past, and each time it ended as suddenly as it started.

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One day I was going home from the uni, I met her on the path that led to the building of our department. I don't know how, but in some way, she looked totally different. Maybe it was her red cloth that changed things, or her jeans, or maybe the fact that the old backpack was replaced with a different one :-) (at least that's when I noticed) we had a short conversation, but honestly, I paid more attention to her new look, mayhaps I got used to the 'old' D and now I needed some time to adjust to the new 'environment'. We split, and went on with our plans. As I was going home, my thoughts focused on nothing but her.
So, what was it? What made me think of her in a different way? I know it sounds stupid, but I think it was the red cloth... till then I always pictured her in pink ("pink is like red but not quite" :-) ). Man, I cant recognize myself. How come such an important decision was influenced by a color? Usually it takes a lot of inner-debating and debugging before I come to a conclusion. But god (if he\she\it exists) is my witness - I think its all the color's 'fault'! %-)
Yep, I made my mind - I will somehow try to charm her and trap her in my nets. Sounds very impressive, doesn' it? :-)

I got home and checked my mail, I had a message from her. I looked at the time, and the class was still in progress, it meant she probably still had access to a pc + internet, so I switched to zombie-mode and typed an email as fast as I could. I did my best to be as indirect as possible, but I was pursuing one major objective: make her understand that I like her. Not like... but like... you know what I mean ;-) there were still 5 to 10 minutes remaining, I sent the message, hoping she'd read it during the lesson... and maybe send me a reply. I think that's pretty naive, such decisions are not taken in haste... besides, not everyone is like me, I believe it takes more than a red cloth to impress someone :-) but still, the message was sent, and there was no way back. Yes, I did think of it a lot, one if my ideas was "why the heck did I send that goddamn message?", but like I said, there was nothing I could do, as the message was already on its way.
I set the mailclient to 'recheck every 5min' but that day I had no reply. Not the day after, and not that week... in fact, I still haven't got a reply, and that sucks. There are hundreds of possible explanations to that, so I've been cracking the walls with my head during the last week, and I still do that now. But as I expected - it doesn't help :-)
...
The next day I met her at the university, we greeted each other as usual, she didn't mention anything about any message. "eh well, she hasn't checked her email so that's why she's not aware of it yet". The day after - the situation 's still the same. "when was the last time u checked your mail?", "uuuhm, last Tuesday". Hmmm, so, the last time she checked it was on Tuesday, the day I saw the red cloth and went crazy... to tell you the truth, I didn't believe that... I had a feeling she read it. But if so, why didn't she reply, or why didn't she say anything, or give me some sort of sign? My official answer to myself: "well, not everyone is such a dumbass like yourself, and it takes more than a red cloth to impress a person". Hahha, I predicted that, and I still believe this is the right answer. Still, there's one thing that doesn't make sense: if she liked me (an assumption of course), why did she suddenly change her 'strategy'? I think I know the answer as well: when you see an instant change in someone (like the one she saw in me), you can't be sure whether the person is still the same. Hell knows what the heck happened to G (g, A, S, D, whatever....). I mean, it's been about 8 months since march12. It took me 8 goddamn months to understand what I understood? I am sort of disappointed in my analytic skills, this proves that my behavior is unpredictable, and I'm far from being the 'cold rationalist' I thought I was. I guess I have to review my policy on randomizers again :-)
The day after, it was Friday I think, I met her again. I was taking a short break in the halls, being really tired and sleepy, and I still had 3 classes left. Suddenly things got brightened up by her presence, she approached me. I was still sort of in 'standby' mode, and very very sleepy, and it took me some time to realize I had to stop the sound of my player ... she asked what I was listening to, it was Royksopp - Eple, one of my favorites actually. She said she was going home and went on "come with me, and a walk with me for a while" (the original version was "hai sa ma petreci oleaca", I'm afraid I can't translate that without losing its exact meaning). "wow! Sure" I thought, so I joined her, even though my class was about to start... in less than a couple of minutes... I can't recall what we talked about, as I did feel very tired and I don't clearly remember the events... hmm, what the heck happened to me that day? We got out of the uni, we went on, but as we got downstairs she said that I had a class to attend. Oh, I almost forgot about that %-) so we said goodbye to each other... even though I was ready to follow her, even to the north pole, or the tip of Everest, or to the bottom of the Mariana Trench... (uuhm, its 1022m deep, so I've no idea how we'd get there) :) Anyway, my conclusion was that she read the email indeed. After all, you don't usually 'petreci oleaca' just like that, out of the blue, do you? The major problem was that I didn't exploit the situation in any way. Ooh rats! I was too tired to think at that moment :-(
Hmm, not much happened afterwards...
...
But life goes on; I thought "she needs space and time like everyone else. I took myself 8 months, why should she do anything within a week?". Yes, I do catch myself on thinking about her, very often. I can't stop that, and I don't even try :-)
Saw her a couple of days later, she trimmed her hair. And man, was she gorgeous or what?!
Meanwhile, I asked her phone#, she gave it to me without creating any imaginary barriers. Should that be interpreted as a positive sign? I think yes - but still, I should "doubt anything that can be doubted", that's what I always do. I said I wasn't going to call that day, nor the day after, and maybe not that week either, coz I was busy with things at work.
I also asked her whether she was interested in going to the movies with me (the troy). Well, she was positive. One of the first things she asked was "who else is coming?". "Hmmmm, it could be just me and you, and to be honest, the movie is a nice extra, but not the primary objective" (I thought), what I told her was "A., and a few others, but I'm not sure".
...
Heh, I even called her later that day, not paying attention to 'I won't call today nor tomorrow...", because I just couldn't focus on things. Yep, she might think I'm just a liar who talks a lot about work\job\responsibilities, thinking it would impress her. I don't know whether it impressed her or not, what I do know is that I barely manage to find time to 'waste time' because all this load of crap doesn't give me a break! I said I wouldn't call because I had a long to-do list... even now, I'm supposed to be working on items from that list, and not this document :-) but some things are just more important than others.
I believe I did pretty good for a 'first phone conversation'. Though she's the judge of that, not me. We agreed on the time for the movie, then she asked something I thought she'd ask: "what's the price of the ticket?". "I dunno" was the answer, but of course the plan was that I covered all the expenses, as it's not that of a burden. But its not the money, it's the fact that she might feel incommodated by my paying for her, thinking that I might think that she owes me something for that 'favor'... which is of course not a favor, and its not a big deal. At that moment (and now, I still don't know what my official 'position' should be). She also asked "who else is coming", this time I had to give a complete answer... the right answer was "A, his gf, his friend, and his friend's gf", the thing I told her was "A, his friend, and 2 more girls".. she continued my sentence "and those 2 extra girls are their gf's?". wow, I didn't know how to handle that. The answer was "hmmm, I don't know their story, so I cant say for sure"... why did I say that? Hmm, just like the 'cost of the ticket' case, I don't want to push her and rush her and so on... I don't want her to be under pressure... I mean, 3 boys + 3 girls = 3 couples. But that's not necessarily the correct answer. She still has the right to choose; maybe she thinks I'm an idiot, so I don't intend to force myself into her life... at least not now :-)
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>>The movie-day<< No, I haven't slept the night before, but it's a common thing for me. In the morning I had a computer-thing on schedule, me and A went to a teacher of ours to see what was up with his machine. We went out of the city, to a place I've never seen before. A village that's located beyond the frontiers of my world. As it always happens when you make plans - they don't really work. That computer was slow as hell, time passed by really fast, we soon realized we were very close to not making it in time. And we haven't even bought the tickets. We made a few phonecalls, included more people into action... ... A's friend went to the cinema to get the tickets. Yep - it was a lucky day - they were out of tickets. Jeez, why then? We were done with the computer, so we headed back to the city. I called her to cancel the arrangement, coz it would've been a REAL MAJOR SCREWUP if she went to the cinema and I wouldn't be there, as I wasn't sure I'd make it in time... not to mention that I didn't even have the tickets. The bad news, she doesn't have a mobile, the good news - she was at home when I called. Phew, that was a close one... otherwise, I think I could just go and shoot myself because my 'rating' would definitely go down once she got to the cinema and 'observe my absence'. :-|
me and A got onto the minibus that was supposed to drive us back to civilization. Hmm, both of us were silent, and tired. I felt as if the day was totally fucked up.
I called her later, and gave her a complete report on the situation, and asked when she would be available next time. The answer was "I don't know, because I don't make any plans". Finally, I got to talk to an intelligent being who knows that "the best plan is no plan", and damn, I have the same tactic as well, why did I drop it this time???? :-)
We talked for a while, postponed the movie for an undefined period of time. I ended with "ok, ill catch ya later then... call me if u feel like callin". Heh, that was a mistake. "dude, how the heck is she supposed to call you when she ain't got your number??" she said "ok" but didn't ask the number... and that's understandable... I mean, a friend of mine, she says "I NEVER call guys", as if its low, degrading, or some sort of crime, whatever... %-)
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at the uni, I 'downloaded' her classes-schedule, so that I could determine her location at any moment of time =) [as they say in the fancy movies - triangulate the signal] :-) mmm, I saw that she had a ton of english classes, I got very curious... then I thought of a thing I should try - ask her to give me the essays she wrote for that student exchange program. That would be really cool, I could learn more about her, and maybe find out something interesting... and in general, I am always interested in reading things that will help me know more about a person, no matter who the person is... and in this case, it's not a usual person, so I did seriously think of getting my hands on her essays.
After my classes I went upstairs, to wait for her, so that I could chat when she gets out of her class. While waiting I started writing a poem. Wow! Haven't done that in a while... but it didn't end up being a masterpiece. In fact, I haven't finalized it. I guess I'm too crazy to think of poems now. Still, I did like other girls in the past, and then I did manage to write while being in the state of 'craziness'. So why is this time different from the others? Maybe now I am REALLY in the state of craziness and my brain-functions are... malfunctioning? :-) anyway, one day I will complete that thing...
As soon as the lesson was over - people got out of the room, she wasn't in the crowd... weird, maybe I went to the wrong place? Maybe I missed her?
That day I called her and told her about the essays. She refused, even though I said I'd give the stuff I wrote if she's interested. Hah, she said she wanted my stuff, but she still hasn't changed her mind about showing me what she wrote. I anticipated her explanation, as any other person, she isn't satisfied with what she writes after she writes it :-) I mean, I have exactly the same thing, so I perfectly understand her. Yeh well, if I said I'd bring the docs, I decided to do it even if I don't get anything in turn. You know, I read those essays after the conversation, and I told myself "dude, you aren't as bad as I thought you were!" :-) , maybe its an exception, but for some reason I didn't think of changing anything... weird, huh? I asked her in which form I should deliver the info, and proposed email ;-) she said she'd go for a floppy, I said I'd print them out... hmm, why not email? Well, probably because if it's email, it means she definitely 'reads' that email. That's a tricky situation...
We also arranged another movie-day, and this time I do hope it works. It has to, after all, life should be fair... I'm a civilized citizen, I never break the law and I do a lot of charity, so I guess this time the planets will align the right way... but of course it has nothing to do with the planets :-)
...

So, as I was sayin'...G, our hero, i.e. me - thought it would be a good idea to turn on his machine and type a doc... that's what he did. Don't ask why, but he called it "why hip-hop sucks in '96" - the topic has of course nothing to do with the topic.

So now we got to the fun part. Tomorrow is the day I will hand her the essays, the day after - is when we go to see the movie, today - I'm writing the thing you're reading now. My plan is to slip this doc into the essays... and see what happens. What could possibly happen? You know, I always thought that saying this myself is a lot better. But what if I don't get the chance to? But what if I do? What if she reads this stuff tomorrow and gets so impressed\overwhelmed that she won't go to the movie for some reason? Then I wont get the chance to say what I have to say. My initial plan was to hand the essays -> movie -> conversation, and then this doc... but holy cow! I got a lot of things to do, such as my semestrial programming project... and instead of doing that, I'm typing this. It's fun, its history! And I invested a lot of time in it. So I'll sort of feel really bad if I wont hand it to her... if not - why the heck am I typing it now? Well, it's not a big deal, but still I hate to do useless things. So now it is obvious that I WILL give it to her, the question is 'when, and how'?

D, at a certain point in history, you're holding this paper, and reading the line which I happen to be typing now :) mmm, what a coincidence!.. and I really don't know what I should write now.. and I REALLY don't know why I've written all this stuff so far. Its just that it's a lot of text now, so I gotta do something with it, whether I want it or not.
So, what are you thinking of at the moment? I wish I knew... if u carefully read this whole thing, you should know that all this time you had a direct access to my memory and way of thinking. I always wanted to read people's minds, but it seems that the only thing this lead to is - letting others read my mind, that's totally the opposite. But if I take a better look at the situation, I understand that if I wanna read one's mind, I have to let that person read mine, otherwise it won't work. So, maybe one day you'll tell me the exact same story, from your point of view... I'd love to hear it!

Some extra thoughts... if things went by the plan, you're reading this AFTER we've seen the movie and after the events that occurred afterwards (I have no idea what will happen, but something will); if not -well, I'm in a reaeaheaheaheally tricky situation now, coz tomorrow ('tomorrow' is actually the day after, but tomorrow 'the day after' will be 'tomorrow' and "zavtra segodnea stanet vchera") :-) is when we go to the movie. Honestly, I cant imagine how I will call you, what I will say, what your reply will be, etc. I assume that if I give u this paper tomorrow, when I call you on 'movie-day' your mom\dad will say "sorry, D ain't home". And that's not the situation I'm looking forward to.
It seems that no matter what I do with this doc, the situation gets tricky.

The only thing I could ask for (and I believe I deserve it), is a serious discussion with you, so that we could straighten things up. This of course won't be necessary if things go by the plan. The problem is that I'm making a plan, and a couple of pages ago I wrote that plans suck. I'm breaking my own laws. And whenever that happens - I screw things up. Hah, it seems that the situation is already tricky :-)

Yeah, things are really hectic... but when I look back, it feels as if it started a million years ago. That's why hip-hop sucks in '96