the inevitable return of the finger (the other other version) ["why hiphop sucks in '96?" part2]

this is the second part [and the last one] of the previously published story - "why hiphop sucks in '96".
it exists in two versions, the one here is the other other one. the other one is here http://www.a51.nm.ru/ninger.pdf - it is colorful and cooler than this one [imho]

enjoy reading

----------------------------
//intro
Hmm, things always seem to run out of my hands whenever they run out of my hands. The movie went pretty well, although I was very nervous before it. We agreed to meet there at T-time (don’t mix it with tea-time), things would've been fine, but a few others were not punctual... As we were on our way to the cinema, I was picturing what I would do if we're late. But it wasn't that bad, while I was still on the bus, I saw her walking towards the cinema - I felt relieved coz she wouldn't have to wait. Phew! That was a close shave…
The 'crew' was different from the initial version: me, D, A, A.gf, A.sis, A.gf.sis, and one more guy...
D looked very cool, it was the first time I saw her with makeup (I dunno how you call that eye-thing), she wore a nice pink pullover, and the overall look was woohoooo! , very classy, and her perfume was as sweet as a drug, I’m tellin' ya... She introduced herself, and then all of us got inside... I took the seat #13 - as usual, D sat on my left. Oh, by the way, I’ll change D to Dee, it sounds cooler.
The movie itself was ok, but I won’t focus on it, as I have more important events to cover. However, I’d like to say hello to the stupid fat cows that sat behind us and got on everyone's nerves.
As soon as the movie was over, we gathered in front of the cinema, discussed a few scenes... We split in two groups, everyone went home (as all of us live in the same area) while I wanted to walk with Dee for a while...

//needle vs. drop
I asked her what she was up to, she said she was going home. "I’ll walk you to the bus then". Of course I didn’t want her to go, so when we got to the station I asked whether she was in the mood to go for a short walk or grab something to eat/drink... the two of us agreed to go forward until we reach 'location-M'... certainly this was better than just going straight home. Besides, this gave me some extra-time to come up with something. Being on the move, I initiated a conversation with no particular topic. I tried to knock her down with all sorts of wicked questions. I mean, do you usually talk about car crashes and death? I dunno why I did that... it’s just that I can talk about birds and clouds with anyone, but since she's not ‘anyone’ - I thought I'd better go for plan B from the very beginning of what later turned to be the beginning of the end. I also asked her about the views concerning family, children and relationships in general… when she plans to get married, what kind of husband she is looking for and so on. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting a plain answer; I was just trying to cause a “buffer overflow” and see what happens in such circumstances. Either you’re told to go to hell, or the person “turns everything around” and you’re the victim, or the person simply changes the subject, etc. Her answer was ‘right’, i.e. there was no answer; she explained she was not ready to think of such things as there were other priorities at the moment. That’s what I was looking for! Really glad to hear that without being told to get lost :-) I realized [once again] I was dealing with ‘the opposite of naïve’. The other advantage is that she got a sneak preview of who I am, + figured out that a “division by zero” situation is highly probable when I’m around. [Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst] Uhm, she didn’t punch me, so I guess I passed the test.
We kept walking, at a certain moment we reached some sort of a mini-park, with a statue in front of it… a rough stone, granite I think… I passed by it each time I went to the uni and I was always wondering what the story of the stone was; so I told Dee I wanted to get closer and check it out. The message on the stone said “In the memory of those who fell in Afghanistan”. Hmmm… some things just happen, and that cursed war is not an exception; decades later – G and Dee are reading a message which exists only because the war took place… Will _this_ story have any consequences? I don’t mean “I write it – you read it”, I’m looking for a _really_ indirect one, such as: a psychologist will study it, write a comment, get a prize [wow :-) ], and on his way home a mugger will stab him in the back and steal his award and trade it for a couple of bucks, not knowing its real value. Now we’re cookin’!
Back to the story: I saw several benches in the park, most of them were not available, but we did manage to spot a ‘vacant place’, as we turned to it, it got occupied :-) There was another one on our left, so we headed towards it, while I was hoping no one will take it [which was likely to happen because ‘luck’ is my middle name]. Nope, this time justice did its job, and we took over the control of the object.
The view was pretty cool, I could see a distant forest [which looks very nice in autumn], the sky was blue, the clouds were fluffy, and I had this ultimately cool girl sitting next to me; not bad, ey? The conversation went on. By all means, I tried to let her do the talking, but it seemed that she‘s more of an “answerer” than a “questioner”. That’s weird, I am like that myself, so the situation we were in wasn’t that comfortable. Eh what the heck, I just went on with my creepy topics, and then the discussion just evolved by itself… this is how I found out she wouldn’t mind having twins. “That’s ok with me, as long as you don’t force them wear the same clothes” :-) , she agreed with me. The further we went, the more coincidences I noted. For instance: russian music is pretty… uhmm.. uncool; their rock is an exception though. We’re both born on the 28th (with e delta of 4 months). But that’s not it, her birthday is on aug.28 – that’s when I installed my windows (it’s been running since 2001, and that’s a lot for a window), if only things were as lasting as my OS… We came to the conclusion that 28 is a magic number. ;-) Then I discovered her passion for languages, in addition to what I know, she speaks Spanish and French, and plans to broaden her horizons. Yep, my knowledge is the equivalent of nothing when you compare it to others’.
As it often happens to me, a discussion ends up being focused on religion. I have that frequently, as I am for some reason an attractive target for Jehovah’s witnesses. I don’t know how, but I believe I convinced some of those ‘witnesses’ that they ‘witnessed’ nothing! >:-) But in Dee’s case... Probably she triggered something inside me, because she had this argument which I could not disprove. I can’t believe it! On my way home I thought of a million answers to that, but when I was ‘on stage’, I couldn’t say anything. That’s odd.

One of the things I asked was “have u ever gotten totally drunk and out of control?”. Negative – this is good news! On the other hand, it is very interesting to see how people act when they’re under the influence. Some are turning into jokers, others become really kind… some are friendly, others are hostile. A friend of a friend is a musician, he starts making music from sounds generated by his body – what an artist :-) I have no story of my own because I never get drunk, nor I am a drinker…

I found out that as a kid she and her friends used to stay quiet inside an elevator, and then scare the people who called it when the doors were opening. Heh what a view! I imagine a little girl with a long tail doing it, looks really funny. Kids and elevators… elevators and kids… it happened to me recently, I got inside the building and there were three boys, one of them was going out and the others were in the elevator, they halted it, so I realized they were waiting for me [so kind of them]. I asked where they were heading, the value was >6, so I pressed the button… and immediately they burst out in laughter, while I felt that my finger came in contact with someone’s saliva. Urrrgh! I took a look at the buttons - they were all covered in spit! AH! I asked them who did it [what a stupid question], of course the answer was “the guy who left did it” :-) I told them to tell him not to do that again, and that they shouldn’t do it either. I completely isolated my right arm and did the door-unlock with my left hand… and that’s a problem when the keys are in the right pocket of your tight jeans. I got into the bathroom and disinfected myself with all the soap and acid I could find =) what should I tell them if they do it again? How should I influence them? What is the -right- thing to do? I never use the elevator, whether I go up or down, I always take the stairs. That time I took the elevator in sign of respect, I mean, the guys waited for me… if I took the stairs, from that moment on they would probably never halt the elevator for anyone on this planet, not even an old grandma, a pregnant woman, or a tired man coming from work….

One of the topics I brought up was children education. At that time I was looking for an answer to a dilemma – should parents allow their kids to have pets? I had…..three cats, two parrots… at certain moments, I had to let ‘em go. Either because they died, or disappeared, or mom decided that my sister and I were not responsible enough to take care of them (ok, none of them died while being under my ‘jurisdiction’, but I do understand that some of them may not be alive anymore). Each time it was a major problem for me. You get so used to animals that once they’re gone – you feel like half of yourself is gone as well. Now I am older and I’ve learned my lesson; but… did I? Should I keep my kids away from that? Alright, if I do so, how will my children know that their children shouldn’t have pets? You see, one can affirm that he\she knows the solution ONLY if the person has actually dealt with the problem itself. And its not just pets… it’s absolutely everything! Experience is something you get when solving things, if you have nothing to solve, you have nothing to learn. Anyway, I’m sure you got my point… if you’re saying “dude, this is NOT how you charm a girl”, you are perfectly right. And it’s not all; imagine it from her point of view: she met a guy who speaks about stupid rabbits, and then switches to children – being serious in both cases… hmm… I’d run away if I met such an individual.
With a bunch of cons and no pros, I’m going to continue my story.

A backpack is a key to one’s existence. By analyzing its contents you can learn a lot about the owner, really. Oohh backpacks… My first one, I was given it in the beginning of the second grade - I still have it, still use it, and it still looks like a brand new one, even though it’s been thru all the sad and joyful moments of my childhood. That was somewhere in ’91 or ’92? I am absolutely positive about my being the first one from my school to use a backpack instead of a classic soviet bag (you know what I mean)… The type of the backpack and the state it is in tells you a lot about the possessor. I asked if I could see what she was carrying, she refused; bud she did want to check out the contents of my bag… I had nothing to hide [but my personal reserve of coke, and several weapons :-) ]. My curiosity made me try again, I wanted to see what was inside of that nice, good-looking, clean, refined bag, but I couldn’t change her mind… I rarely see someone with a backpack which looks tidier than mine, eh well… some other time then…

//sunrise: a japanese point of view
We talked about this and that, and every now and then she said “mai spune ceva” (or “ce mai spui?”). I have to admit that I didn’t really like that, because it felt as if I was pushed towards something. “You got nothing to lose but everything, so go for it dude. Tally-ho!!”… Hah, I guess you know what I did, don’t you? I’m going to quote myself: “what would you say if I said that it‘s time for me to say that it‘s time for us to be more than friends?”. Yes, I know it’s not the most romantic way to say it, and I know that by the time you get to the end, you forget what the whole deal… but I did my best. And hey, at least it didn’t sound like “if it’s not a yes I’m going to kill myself and make the rest of your life miserable”. And hey, at least I can be sure [well, 99.99% sure] the copyright is mine. :-) “I expected you to say that. The thing is that I already have a friend, even though he ‘s far away now”.
Houston, we have a problem!
“Click! – the astronaut felt his cord get loose. He quickly pulled it towards himself, only to discover that the link got detached from the hull. He knew it as soon as he heard the click, but he was still hoping his imagination was playing tricks on him. He contacted the crew, but… his comm-unit went down.
It took him no time to realize that he turned into space junk, that nobody could help him get back inside the ship. He knew his mates would only start looking for him in about 15 minutes…too late…
He desperately moved his feet and hands inside the tight spacesuit, but every move increased the distance to the spacecraft. It was then when he remembered all the facts about the infinity of the universe, he even managed to calculate how far from the ship his acceleration and the g-forces would get him before the exhaust of the oxygen reserve.
He took a look at the Earth underneath, the planet looked totally different from up there. “The whole world is under my feet, and I will run out of oxygen within the next two hours”. Those were his last words, after that, just pictures of his family and friends… friends and family.
...
He felt his life suddenly came to a halt, like a film stuck in the projector.”

=æ| +>hÚ+(ýn+ÞE+Óó+ """"""oj@+|nînÎU+6+ù+S+voidJåïÏ+é[ùUëç+^++SùÇ{ù <Ë+HgJíýlÙîøÎÜ+P+~BwTèg+wÀ^|]xrÑü>uøýÜ.XVi9ZÈÚ
çÍ2GöRuntime error #45: division by zero.n~ y =Z|û¸Xdýåò_"+C{äÖä#ù>_Ç`ÏÂ4ïö+]++v Ò,lå+~+~YÓd
+ÛoöÌúVG+B+wá+$
Fatal error! The system may become unstable. Auto-restarting in 5 . 4 . 3 . 2 . 1 .

“Sir, unidentified object, Sir! Inbound, 80 feet, 70… 60 and counting!”… A brick coming straight into my face... At first I thought I needed a very good laugh (as I always do), but… this wasn’t the case. I looked at the sky, the view was very relieving. The scale of the whole thing pointed to the fact that I and my issues were insignificant… I got a bit shaky, and pictured one of my hospital-visits, I was taken blood-samples, and then it hit me out of the blue… the air got really ‘dense’, I inhaled it with much effort, I suddenly felt my legs go offline, I found a chair, lied down, “I will close my eyes for just a moment, just to get a little rest”; all I remember is my mom, who was with me, slapping my face and shouting “whatever you do, don’t close your eyes!”. Soon the dizziness faded away. I did some studies later, and I found out that keeping the eyes open and focusing on an object actually prevents one from losing consciousness or getting too weak.
I could still taste the sky… I made it!
…
Being so devoted to my fair-play principles, I told myself it was time to cancel the mission; I’d get angry it if my girl ran away with a bozo… in my absence.
Imagine how great it feels to be that guy? I mean, you can really trust someone and be sure nothing goes wrong… it’s like having the Chinese wall around you, just for yourself and nobody else :-) It’s a pity that all the action happens when you’re not nearby.
…
And it’s another pity if ‘the guy’ doesn’t even exist; nothing is better than knowing that an imaginary person is better than you are :-)
…
“For how long has it been happening?” she asked. What could I say? “Red cloth”? “8 months”? Even I’m not satisfied with this answer. “It’s all there” I said, pointing to the papers I’ve given her. She’d read everything and see things by herself. I’m sure this was the best solution at that moment.
“What about your personal life?” Oh man, how was I supposed to answer that one? %-) Not only that I didn’t have an answer, but I also was unable to think clearly. Still in the state of… ‘mental imponderability’? You know, when something happens in your body and you can’t tell whether it’s pain or pleasure… or when you eat\drink something and you’re not sure if it is tasty or not… when everything you see is a blur, or worse - a “no input signal” message :-) “uhm… this is the second or third time I get this reply from a girl”, I started bending my fingers trying to count the cases, but I had no idea what I was doing, nor how many fingers I bent… and I know that no matter how many cases I managed to count, the result was incorrect. Now, when I can take my time and check the balance, I can affirm that I’ve had _two_ of them. So… at the moment I got three fingers and a trend: with each new finger, the distance is greatly increased. What happens between the fingers is what I call ‘evolution’. And if it makes no sense, it is not my fault.
Somehow she also asked what features I wanted my ‘the one’ to have. I don’t remember my exact words, but I do remember I ended with “beauty is insignificant” – ooooh, this is _so_ not true, what a lie… but I didn’t laugh!

Evidently my situation was wow-better than the astronaut’s.
…
“He is a very lucky guy… but this doesn’t mean we cannot be good friends”. “Yes”, she replied. Hah, I think everyone says that, but in the end people start avoiding each other. “What do you think of people who say they will be friends but end up avoiding each other?” I don’t remember if she gave me an answer; I went on with “we are going to be a living example that proves that people CAN be friends in such situations”. Of course affirming that was pretty childish, because it’s not just up to me. And even if it was … I am a hard nut to crack, but I do have my vulnerabilities…

Before getting over this part, I should focus on a tiny detail – “even though he‘s far away now”. I asked nothing about the guy, why would she mention anything? To be honest, I wish this didn’t happen, because there are multiple ways of interpreting that info… one of them virtually creates a small patch of land in the heart of the enormous ocean in which you happen to be drifting. But wake up and shine – the mini-island is on the other side of the planet!
…
She said the people who sat on a nearby bench were suspiciously looking at us, so we decided to take off. I don’t know if there was anything peculiar about those folks (they were behind me), or if it was an ingenious way of getting us out of there and putting an end to it…
On the way back we started discussing a very important aspect of one’s life – studies. Since both of us were students, our university was in the middle of it. She told me the story of her sign-up, how things were done in a rush and how difficult it was to deal with the emotional load. According to my observations, this was the part when she was… herself? Her voice was different, and she spoke with so much passion, at times running out of words, sometimes talking faster than I could understand… I wish she was in that state when thinking of me. The weird part is that her uni-story is really close to mine. Winning means that someone loses - the essence is that she turned to be the winner because I turned to be the loser :-) it is amazing how completely unrelated things end up having a major influence on each other. The story itself is beyond the scope of this doc.

I saw her off at the station, she got on her minibus; I crossed the street to catch mine. As I turned on the player, I heard ‘my feelings’ by Junior Jack. And you know what? This guy ‘s right! “why after all this time? My feelings can’t explain” – that’s the answer! Hmm…
On my way back I thought of many things… watched a drunk hitting on a woman. I could feel the smell of that skunk from a mile. To my surprise, she was actually cooperating with the man! What the heck is wrong with this world?!

For some reason I remembered all the bad stuff that happened to me… my first fight at school, several family-related issues, my broken hand, the major disappointments, the first two ‘fingers’... “man, if you’ve been thru all that crap and you’re still here, you gotta be superman! What’s the problem? You handled that – you can handle this!” I have quite a fat record, if other people’s experiences fit into a folder, mine require a whole state archive - this is a direct consequence of my mindset and lifestyle. But how come none of that helped me? Have I turned into a library that has no subscribers? All the knowledge is worthless? Will my books be used as fuel in the near future? It is a recursive process - gain experience in order to be able to gain more experience. But where do you apply it in the end? Is all this about teaching me to stand still in a coffin for the rest of my physical existence?

//all roads lead to the H.Q.
I got home, waited until I thought she was finished reading the stuff I gave her, then called to ask how she got back, and before I managed to say anything, she asked “how did you get home?” aaaah, I ran out of questions… she said she finished reading the doc :-) “you wrote that you wished you knew what I thought of it… well, I think it is very sweet”. I could try and explain that it was just point one percent from my ‘candytron’… but was it going to work? The brick hit its target, the astronaut was already somewhere in Neverland… she asked if at any moment of history she gave me a reason to think what I thought. Well, to be honest, yes, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this. Not to make it more complicated than it already was, I said that “different people look at the same thing but they see different things. It is all about the diverse ways of interpreting something”, blah blah blah, not your fault, not mine either, nobody’s fault, some things just happen….

//the 3G summit
I got a phonecall from A, presented him a quick report of the latest developments… we arranged a meeting. A came with Ad, the three of us analyzed the situation. I realized I was indeed different, because what I heard was the opposite of what I did and thought :-) I pictured myself in a cartoon, with an angel above one shoulder and the devil floating on the other side… the difference is that both of them were saying “go for it! do it! forget the other guy!” :-)
It was pretty late, a light breeze… I could still feel the smell of her perfume, that thing tasted damn good! Ad’s official explanation: “it’s in the pores of your nose, it will fade away eventually”.
A and Ad convinced me that things were different from how I saw them, and that a lot could be done and that the astronaut was still reachable. I changed my views, but if I am still writing this… ;-)

//beyond the borders of civilization
A few days after all of it happened, I was asked to set up the computers in a game club located in a village… “Sure, why not? As long as you take me there, and then deliver me back to the exact same spot you kidnapped me from”. Of course I am a bit too hard, a village is a civilized place, and its settlers are rational human beings. Anyway, I was doing my job, the ‘employers’ (two friends of mine) were watching from aside, along with a couple of local teenagers. They probably heard a lot of legends about dangerous hackers robbing banks from their computers, without the need of a phone line, a network or any other contact with ‘the rest of the world’ ;-) they also heard a lot about my ‘magic backpack’ that has everything in it… they could swallow the whole Titanic when they opened their mouths as I was getting my cd’s out :-) All the myths were backed up by my typing at the keyboards - it probably looked lightning-fast to them… they started discussing hackers, and from time to time telling me “dă-mi şi mie un milion când eşti gata”… eh, just to make it clear, a hacker is someone who makes furniture with an axe, I bet you thought different ;-) you know, I felt like an exotic animal in a cage, because all of them were looking at me and discussing me as if I were fu**ing absent! “I bet he can do this” – “no, no way he can do that!” One of them got closer and initiated a conversation, asking how long I’ve been doing what I do, and so on… at a certain moment, that chap knocked me down with “înseamnă că la tine cu fetele e cam greu”. “We’re losing him! Charge! Clear!” I badly wanted to kick his ass right there, but I did not, because:
a) “Violence is not the answer”
b) I was a guest
c) One incorrect move, a wire is pulled = an expensive device kisses the
floor
d) The hardest to admit – he was sort of right

Of course he was wrong, because he didn’t understand what he said. It’s just a stereotype… and man, I really don’t like followthecrowders.
There is another detail I should mention. The system was almost completely installed, I was asked to enter the password. Yes, of course… evidently, obviously… unsurprisingly… predictably… I typed her name :-) Reboot, ‘please enter the password’ - “ok pal, if you insist ;-) “, and guess what? The bloody machine didn’t validate it %-) oooh… I tried all the possible variations, with capitals, double that, single this, short version, long version – none of them was correct. Yes, I expected this to happen – I forgot my password-removal tool at home, so I had to delete everything and start installing from scratch… the second time I went for the classic (and risk-free) ‘123’.
Conclusion? Never mix your passion with your profession™.

//the long awaited outro
Here I am. Once again I reach the end. I am in a pretty ugly situation now. Why? Not knowing what to do, is worse than not being able to do it; just like not having an objective is worse than not having the means to achieve it. I play my music, but it seems to sound different, and it does not have the same effect on me. Without this life-support device, I feel sort of empty… so there really is no primary objective at the moment… a program stuck in an infinite loop, waiting to be debugged, that’s what I am.
What happens next? What role will Dee play in my life? What role will I play in her life?
The final version of this doc is very distant from what I initially planned, the described story evolved in the exact same way, so I see no problem here. :-)
But hey, I still got seven fingers left and ten fingers right, that makes a total of seventeen; oh, plus the trend. Since math is the most accurate way of expressing an idea, here is another perspective:

IQ = [(∆^f)/f] * a^γ

∆ – distance between the first two fingers (months)
f – finger number ( f ≥ 2 )
a – age (years)
γ – random coefficient :-) (arbitrary units)

As you can see, one’s experience depends on f; age is important as well, but the final result can be totally unpredictable due to gamma; one day I’ll perform an in-depth study and find a way to calculate it… and maybe change the formulae itself.

Ok, now sing along with me (start quiet, and then go louder):

“I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near”

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