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Getting over a relationship, the mathematical way
A friend of mine describes a wicked situation which is very familiar to me. As a man, I must agree that it sucks to be there. Well, the bright side is that a technical background and some basic math-skills enable me to analyze the problem from a different point of view.
"I don't need luck, I've got science!"(Doc, from MDK2)
Follow up:
The logic is simple:- There are a lot of humans on this planet (6,661,208,350 and counting);
- We can simplify the problem and state that half of them are women, and the other half - men. This is the gray area on the chart (it should be called 'all humans of the opposite sex');
- If we ignore geographical and cultural barriers, we can say that not all of them are compatible with yourself; i.e. they're not your type. It means that only a sub-set of the existing persons is compatible with yourself (whatever that means). This is the dark-gray area of the chart;
- In practice, some of the compatible ones will turn out to be incompatible, thus only a sub-set of those who are compatible with you are really compatible. This is the violet area of the chart.
The violet area of the chart is the set of people whom we can call 'the one', and get married with, have children with, spend the rest of our lives with, etc. The person you love at the moment is a person from this part of the chart. Your mom and dad consider each other a part of the violet area of the chart, and so on.
Humans tend to be monogamous, thus we only have one partner at a time. The current partner is marked as a little yellow dot in the violet area. Obviously, the dot was magnified a zillion times, the chart is not to scale ;-)
Anyway, the idea is that if you are seeing someone, and that someone is perfect, and you call them 'the one', it does not mean that they are the only one. Any person from the violet set can become a yellow dot (you can compare the yellow dot with a pointer to the currently highlighted element of the array of violet dots).
Why are there no other yellow dots? Since we're monogamous, we stop looking once we've found the right person. We don't need other persons, so we don't look for them. But it is obvious that other 'right persons' exist out there, they never cease to exist. Now, if your yellow dot goes off the radar, it simply means that you'll have to find yourself another yellow dot ;-)
Life sucks, because in reality society is not nicely divided into gray, dark gray and violet; the real picture looks like a lot of random dots of different colors, thus a violet person is surrounded by hundreds of thousands of gray persons, and so on (see the picture below, and imagine that it is in colors). It takes time to find the right dot.
There is one more problem I have to mention, a psychological barrier. If you tell a person that they mean everything to you, it feels kind of stupid if after a while you say the exact same thing to somebody else, doesn't it? Well, technically speaking, you have the right to say that, because each time you say it to someone from the set of violet persons. You are not lying in any of the cases, thus your conscience is clean.
Update: Once you get connected with a person, a process of mutual education/adaptation/influence kicks off. An exchange of messages changes both persons, fine-tuning them, and tweaking the relationship until it becomes as good as it can get. If you disconnect - surely you can find someone else, but nothing will work "out of the box", you'll have to go through the mutual education process again. There are no two people who are 110% compatible "out of the box".4 comments
Comment from: XD [Visitor] 
When I was in a similar situation (and who wasn't? =) things got pretty bad, too.. I have applied the same calculus and reached this same conclusion long before that time, but the hard part is not in finding it and knowing about it, but in realizing it, I mean getting it down to the very core of your consciousness. As by doing so you are forced to accept the fact that the previous N months, years, decades, centuries etc. have been naturally wasted (yeah yeah you've got XP++.., but nevertheless the real objective was not reached - from now on you have little in common with the one you considered The One =). And that's a very hard thing to do.. People tend to get used very quickly to states in which they're comfortable and happy, and when there comes an end to these, it's very hard to realize it, to tell yourself - "It's over man! You've got to start it all over again.. :(". Doing this is the first step towards getting over it..[hmm.. let's see which idioms with 'over' I haven't used yet :)].. Life's such a dynamic thing - you must learn to cope with it, to be able to push the reset button and start it from scratch at anytime. There is no other way.. (at least for those more or less mentally healthy :)
As for unkind.. I don't worry for him at all. He'll get over it.. and sooner than he thinks he will :). For you see, the (healthy) human brain is designed to withstand commotions much worse than these. Even now, when you're weeping still not being able to believe your great loss, your little brown cells are already working hard, rearranging the thought flow chains, adapting to the new conditions, unnoticeably erasing or blocking access to bits of critical memories here and there.. This is done very discreetly, mostly on the unconscious level, eventually coming to the surface, so that one day you'll wake up and say to yourself something that seems to you now totally unacceptable - "Ahh, ph#$% it! Life goes on or whatta heck?" :)
And here's a good advice - you'd give those little brown guys a hand, if you just tried to concentrate on smth else, I mean try doing something your never did before, buy yourself something new, see your friends more often, think about those myriads of velvet dots waiting for you - they are out there - there's your challenge - it's up to you to find the next one! ;)
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I agree with what you've written. I think that one of the critical parts is this one:
I always try to weigh the facts before taking a decision (as if life is a mega-complex optimization problem with a lot of variables). Those of us who are slightly more ego-centric than others, will get over this part less smoothly, because striking out N months means that the decisions you've made earlier were not optimal, that you were wrong, that you didn't act rationally, etc.
So maybe the problem is not about forgetting a lady (or a guy), instead it is in admitting that you were wrong? This is what makes it difficult - my strongest enemy is myself; if I cannot defeat myself, there's no way I can outplay the others. This certainly isn't the only thing that makes this experience 'less than pleasant', but I am sure this plays a role too (the importance of the role depends on one's level of ego-centrism, and on one's beliefs in the righteousness of their own decisions).
As Yoda would probably say, "Within yourself the answer try to find" :-)
As for unkind.. I don't worry for him at all. He'll get over it.. and sooner than he thinks he will :). For you see, the (healthy) human brain is designed to withstand commotions much worse than these. Even now, when you're weeping still not being able to believe your great loss, your little brown cells are already working hard, rearranging the thought flow chains, adapting to the new conditions, unnoticeably erasing or blocking access to bits of critical memories here and there.. This is done very discreetly, mostly on the unconscious level, eventually coming to the surface, so that one day you'll wake up and say to yourself something that seems to you now totally unacceptable - "Ahh, ph#$% it! Life goes on or whatta heck?" :)
And here's a good advice - you'd give those little brown guys a hand, if you just tried to concentrate on smth else, I mean try doing something your never did before, buy yourself something new, see your friends more often, think about those myriads of velvet dots waiting for you - they are out there - there's your challenge - it's up to you to find the next one! ;)
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I agree with what you've written. I think that one of the critical parts is this one:
the previous N months, years, decades, centuries etc. have been naturally wasted.
I always try to weigh the facts before taking a decision (as if life is a mega-complex optimization problem with a lot of variables). Those of us who are slightly more ego-centric than others, will get over this part less smoothly, because striking out N months means that the decisions you've made earlier were not optimal, that you were wrong, that you didn't act rationally, etc.
So maybe the problem is not about forgetting a lady (or a guy), instead it is in admitting that you were wrong? This is what makes it difficult - my strongest enemy is myself; if I cannot defeat myself, there's no way I can outplay the others. This certainly isn't the only thing that makes this experience 'less than pleasant', but I am sure this plays a role too (the importance of the role depends on one's level of ego-centrism, and on one's beliefs in the righteousness of their own decisions).
As Yoda would probably say, "Within yourself the answer try to find" :-)
2007-Jan-15, Mon @ 21:16
why do i have this feeling that u'd like to be the cold rational dude u think u are? 'cause u're not. e valabila kestia pentru orice, dar pentru ea, after all u're a human being not a machine, and as far as i remember, that's what makes us different from animals, machines, aliens and so on.
mesajul tau ar fi bun pentru un caz ideal ( ai atins cerul, ai cazut pe pamant shi un timp a durut caderea, dupa kare incepi sa mergi pe pamant asha kum ai mers shi pana la atingerea cerului ).. well, it's not that f*ckin' simple. materia ceea cenushie kare o am in kap lukreaza dupa alt principiu dekat cel deskris de tine, a aparut virusul, a infektat main system file called "life.exe" ka mai apoi toata sistema sa fie afektata. sa formatez hard-u' tot nu pot, just have to wait for a friday 13-th to be infected by another virus, which would allow me to access the other component in my system.
kiar krezi ka nu-s za#*%#ibit de starea data ? ka nu am incerkat sa skimb ceva ? tried 99.99% of 'everything' and what's the point in all this if there's no result ? i kinda find it useless to try anymore.
ideea e ka am rezistat pana akum, am sa rezist shi mai departe, kiar daqa voi fi la 5 m de ea shi-mi va fi inqa shi mai greu sa blokez access'u la mapa "the_one", but i'll try to cross my limits and escape this f*ckin' way of living.. or existing.
anyway, not everybody would spend time trying to help some1 barely even knowing him. so thanks for that !
p.s. your 'the inevitable return of the finger' screwed my mood up, can't find any explanation but that's that. :) anyway it was interesting to read it!!
p.s.2. let me know about the research thing ;)
p.s.3. again thanks for trying.. really appreciate that !
p.s.4. cheers ! :)
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Different tasks need different tools. I know it sounds funny, but sometimes I go for (warm_emotional*)gr8dude.think(), while in other cases a better approach is (cold_rational*)gr8dude.think(). Moral of the story - fear not pointers :-)
Ok ok, this was not a serious answer; but you need to face it - you have to change yourself because you can't react in the same way to everything that happens. Behaviour must be adjusted at runtime; alternating between different styles of thought is healthy, as long as you know which style is appropriate for a given situation.
mesajul tau ar fi bun pentru un caz ideal ( ai atins cerul, ai cazut pe pamant shi un timp a durut caderea, dupa kare incepi sa mergi pe pamant asha kum ai mers shi pana la atingerea cerului ).. well, it's not that f*ckin' simple. materia ceea cenushie kare o am in kap lukreaza dupa alt principiu dekat cel deskris de tine, a aparut virusul, a infektat main system file called "life.exe" ka mai apoi toata sistema sa fie afektata. sa formatez hard-u' tot nu pot, just have to wait for a friday 13-th to be infected by another virus, which would allow me to access the other component in my system.
kiar krezi ka nu-s za#*%#ibit de starea data ? ka nu am incerkat sa skimb ceva ? tried 99.99% of 'everything' and what's the point in all this if there's no result ? i kinda find it useless to try anymore.
ideea e ka am rezistat pana akum, am sa rezist shi mai departe, kiar daqa voi fi la 5 m de ea shi-mi va fi inqa shi mai greu sa blokez access'u la mapa "the_one", but i'll try to cross my limits and escape this f*ckin' way of living.. or existing.
anyway, not everybody would spend time trying to help some1 barely even knowing him. so thanks for that !
p.s. your 'the inevitable return of the finger' screwed my mood up, can't find any explanation but that's that. :) anyway it was interesting to read it!!
p.s.2. let me know about the research thing ;)
p.s.3. again thanks for trying.. really appreciate that !
p.s.4. cheers ! :)
---
Different tasks need different tools. I know it sounds funny, but sometimes I go for (warm_emotional*)gr8dude.think(), while in other cases a better approach is (cold_rational*)gr8dude.think(). Moral of the story - fear not pointers :-)
Ok ok, this was not a serious answer; but you need to face it - you have to change yourself because you can't react in the same way to everything that happens. Behaviour must be adjusted at runtime; alternating between different styles of thought is healthy, as long as you know which style is appropriate for a given situation.
2007-Jan-16, Tue @ 09:12
Comment from: jirusok [Visitor]
Dude, do you feel like there is a number - n - of maximum retries?
Because I don't think everybody can withstand many tries. I mean this can really break apart a person (as I feel it on my skin).
With every relationship that seems to pass away it is getting harder to getting grip with someone.. as the fear of breakup (mismatch) is so much stronger.
It transforms from a play to a challenge with age and experience.
As I know you.. and I know me, I can tell we need time for figure out if a "dot" is right o not (gray/violet). And in the end breakups still happen (sometimes unexpected). And it doesn't really matter if it was you or not, who issued the disconnect.
OK, so naturally I ask myself: how much time can this continue? I don't think I can be alone too long. Even from a biological(physiological) point of view we can't really be alone (or we become mentally unhealthy, as somebody pointed out before). The need for a happy relationship becomes more of a quest-game.
So, what is there to be done? nothing maybe? just continue a natural path (working, playing, learning, meeting friends, other activities)? or maybe be more 'aggressive'?
trying to meet more girls.. fine-tuning the tech of selecting girls (deciding faster if a girl fits or not in 2-3 dates). To me it sounds foolish however. We are the way we are... Hurrying things will not help I guess.
tricky...
Because I don't think everybody can withstand many tries. I mean this can really break apart a person (as I feel it on my skin).
With every relationship that seems to pass away it is getting harder to getting grip with someone.. as the fear of breakup (mismatch) is so much stronger.
It transforms from a play to a challenge with age and experience.
As I know you.. and I know me, I can tell we need time for figure out if a "dot" is right o not (gray/violet). And in the end breakups still happen (sometimes unexpected). And it doesn't really matter if it was you or not, who issued the disconnect.
OK, so naturally I ask myself: how much time can this continue? I don't think I can be alone too long. Even from a biological(physiological) point of view we can't really be alone (or we become mentally unhealthy, as somebody pointed out before). The need for a happy relationship becomes more of a quest-game.
So, what is there to be done? nothing maybe? just continue a natural path (working, playing, learning, meeting friends, other activities)? or maybe be more 'aggressive'?
trying to meet more girls.. fine-tuning the tech of selecting girls (deciding faster if a girl fits or not in 2-3 dates). To me it sounds foolish however. We are the way we are... Hurrying things will not help I guess.
tricky...
2012-Jan-16, Mon @ 17:19
Comment from: Alex [Member]
Here are some key-ideas.
After my previous uber-disconnect, a friend told me a very important thing. He said: "Dude, don't make a priority out of someone, if you're just an option for them".
It means that if the other person cares about you, they won't let N grow too large. If they do, it means they're considering you as a fallback plan, not as a primary setting. When that happens, you're an option for them - it is a bad sign. If you ignore this signal, you're doing yourself a great disservice. This is a problem waiting to happen. A recipe for a disaster.
I think the problem is not in the fact that you're trying and trying (this takes energy), it is in the fact that all the attempts are futile. This feels bad if you think about it, because the energy is wasted, rather than invested.
So the trick is in filtering people such that your efforts are invested, not wasted. The "priority vs option" rule is a good indicator of who is an investment and who is a waste of emotional resources.
As for what is to be done - according to scientific research, you have to spend more time around people who are potential targets (or "pointers", as we called them at the uni:-). Merely exposing yourself to a new environment makes it more likely that new social connections will be established.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. If you stick to the same environment, your pool of candidates is constant, nothing changes, the results don't change either.
The point is not in dating more girls, but in meeting more people. The more time you spend with them, the better you know them. That's how you can see who is gf-material and who is not.
Have a look at these notes to get some real scientific data about this matter (public album, no registration required).
Note: I am single, so take my feedack with a healthy dose of salt'n'pepper :-)
After my previous uber-disconnect, a friend told me a very important thing. He said: "Dude, don't make a priority out of someone, if you're just an option for them".
It means that if the other person cares about you, they won't let N grow too large. If they do, it means they're considering you as a fallback plan, not as a primary setting. When that happens, you're an option for them - it is a bad sign. If you ignore this signal, you're doing yourself a great disservice. This is a problem waiting to happen. A recipe for a disaster.
I think the problem is not in the fact that you're trying and trying (this takes energy), it is in the fact that all the attempts are futile. This feels bad if you think about it, because the energy is wasted, rather than invested.
So the trick is in filtering people such that your efforts are invested, not wasted. The "priority vs option" rule is a good indicator of who is an investment and who is a waste of emotional resources.
As for what is to be done - according to scientific research, you have to spend more time around people who are potential targets (or "pointers", as we called them at the uni:-). Merely exposing yourself to a new environment makes it more likely that new social connections will be established.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. If you stick to the same environment, your pool of candidates is constant, nothing changes, the results don't change either.
The point is not in dating more girls, but in meeting more people. The more time you spend with them, the better you know them. That's how you can see who is gf-material and who is not.
Have a look at these notes to get some real scientific data about this matter (public album, no registration required).
Note: I am single, so take my feedack with a healthy dose of salt'n'pepper :-)
2012-Jan-17, Tue @ 22:31
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